The Lavender Hill Mob

Let there be no doubt about it: Battersea is chock-full of thick rich cunts. Today the local butcher charged the woman in front of me £35.52 for a leg of lamb. She looked like every other bint around here - blonde, baby buggy, using her sunglasses as an alice band - and she could probably have afforded the whole of Wales, but £35.52? It must have been one of those endangered one-legged Tibetan Hopping Sheep. Either that or the butcher's been watching Harry Enfield.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting nostalgic for the chavs of Tooting.

Forgive Me, Readers...

...for I have sinned. It has been nine days since my last post. That's slack, even for me. Living in an affluent area is not conducive to blogging, I've found. There's no time, what with all the air-kissing and braying in wine bars.

Is anyone still visiting this page? And if so, why? I'm far too upmarket for you now - in fact I'm considering introducing a dress code. A well-pressed shirt and smart shoes for the gents, and for the ladies - anything you like as long as you have shapely breasts. Otherwise, a niqab.

Attention Arseholes!

Stick your iPod where it belongs.

Floored

If you're wondering why I haven't posted anything about my new life as a resident of Nappy Valley, it's because the only bit of it I've seen so far is my bedroom floor. I fucked up my back while moving house, and the only position I've found that takes the pressure off my sciatic nerve is on all fours. Anyone who looks through my window must think I'm waiting to get buggered, although since everyone around here looks like an estate agent they probably won't bat an eyelid.

Pork News

The morepork is an antipodean owl, so called because that's what it says. "More pork! More pork!" It must have been saying that for thousands of years, yet its diet still consists of moths and mice. The poor fucker. Has no one ever slipped it a chipolata?



In other pork-related news, this thing of beauty is one of those incredible, innovative, world-changing ideas you wish you'd thought of yourself. If Apple had invented it they'd have called it the iPork.