Up Your Date

Doesn't it drive you fucking mad when people don't update their blogs for days on end, and then when they do finally pull their thumb out of their arse and write something, it's not even worth reading? Cunts.

East End Noise

One problem with having impeccable taste in music is finding people to go to events with. Most of my friends are tone-deaf morons who would rather listen to Scissor Sisters than Sissy Spacek, so I'm chuffed as nuts that my mate Ben has agreed to come to an all-day noise festival in Bethnal Green with me. "That's a lot of chin-stroking", he said, "I'm up for it".

And should eight hours of earnest young men screaming at their laptops prove too much for one sitting, we can always pop out for a quiet pint - just as long as we're back in time for Testicle Hazard.

Sad But True

Is today really the most depressing day of the year?

Oh sweet Jesus, yes.

Jaded

Good News, Bad News

Good news: It's my birthday.

Bad news: I am unlikely to get any expensive presents.

Good news: I've just made my first cocktail of the day.

Bad news: I am toasting the memory of a dead dog.

Fox News

The pregnant vixen that died in our back garden last week has now been collected by the binmen. Should I have put it on eBay?

Cutting Back

Yesterday I was put on the waiting list for a spine operation. This man is going to make a three-inch incision in the small of my back, drill a couple of holes in the bone, and cut out a bit of disc. It's all incredibly erotic.

Apparently there's a 1 in 10,000 chance of paralysis, which is the same odds as contracting HIV through oral sex. I'd rather have a blowjob than invasive surgery, but he didn't offer. Anyway, what's the worst case scenario? I get to piss in a bag and razz around in one of these? It's a win-win situation.

Tripe

So what do you think of the new banner? I myself have never eaten tripe, mainly because it looks like one of these things, and I expect they both taste like an old lady's arse.

As for the "Cunt, London" bit, those of you too young or American to know its origins can get yourself an education here. Fuck, that doesn't half give me the horn. Clicking on links and that.

Update: I've just discovered that Internet Explorer 7 only displays half the banner. Never mind. If you're still using IE rather than Firefox then you obviously don't care about aesthetics anyway.

Yes, It's A Fucking Kitten

A Norwegian Forest Kitten, to be precise, and I'm showing it to you because it's my birthday in less than two weeks and I want one. Club together if you have to.

One more thing: if you order it from America, do me a favour and get it one of them there injections so it'll stay small and cute forever. Much obliged.

Too Many Hogs

Shortly after midnight last night I found myself watching Jools Holland and Paul Weller hooting their nannies on the BBC. I wasn't even drunk enough to throw stuff at them. In the words of another master musician, things can only get better.

Update: I just found out that my friend Mark got burgled last night. It's been a shit Christmas all round. Next year I'm locking myself in my room from Diwali until Burns Night with an enormous pork pie and a crossbow.