Farewell, Sweet Tooting

I love Tooting. I was born here and I've lived here for half of my life. Tooting's got everything the urban gentleman requires - street crime, terror suspects, and the best curry houses in Britain.

But now the dream is coming to an end. As of this Sunday I will be a resident of Battersea (pronounced Bat-ter-see-ah). It's in the same borough as Tooting, but it's on a different planet. Battersea's got a dog's home, a power station, and thousands of women pushing children called Hugo and Cressida around in prams that look like 4x4s.

I feel a killing spree coming on.

Update: was this thing tailor-made for me?

Scatfest

Went to the Gilbert & George retrospective at Tate Modern yesterday. If you think you might be offended by photos of old men's cocks and crucifixes made from shit, don't go. I would also warn against taking very young children along, unless you want them to grow up to become bedwetting coprophiles.



One room is filled with the Dirty Words Pictures - pictures with names like Fuck, Cunt, Queer and Communism. A woman pointed one out to her daughter, who may or may not have been a retard - sometimes it's hard to tell where ugliness ends and Downs Syndrome begins - and said, "That one's called Are You Angry Or Are You Boring? Which one do you think mummy is?"

I would have shouted "Cunt!", but I didn't want to offend anyone.

Don't Make Me Laugh

According to The 100 Greatest Stand-Ups on Channel 4 last night, Harry Hill is a funnier man than Bill Hicks was. Well I never. I'd always assumed that, as a comedic genre, radical satire was superior to pulling stupid faces. And is Peter Kay really funnier than Bill Bailey or Dylan Moran? Only if you're a pie-eating northern bastard.

Most shocking of all was the news that Billy Connolly is the greatest comedian of all time. The man laughs at his own jokes, for fuck's sake. I'm not surprised his father abused him - if he was here right now I'd like to see how much of his banjo I could fit up his arse.

The best stand-up I've ever seen was Jerry Sadowitz at the Comedy Store:

"If I'd known Jill Dando was going to be shot on the Saturday, I'd have raped her on the Friday. As it happened I had to make do with the Sunday."

Tell me that's not funnier than some Weegie welder talking about jobbies.

All Broke Up

And that's that. After three years off the market I am now officially single again.



Form an orderly line, ladies.

Fuck the Children

If Lenny Henry's wife went on a diet there'd be enough food for everyone.



And this cunt can fuck off too.

Spring Collection

(Click to enlarge.)

Goodbye Cruel World

Yesterday's post got no comments at all. I have decided to do the honourable thing: delete the post and take an enormous quantity of sleeping pills. Mum, Dad, I'm sorry. Could someone please look after my cat?

Something for Everyone